sigh

Frank is not clever

2008-09-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

But he is mildly amusing.

Anyhow, until I go full on tmi and start using Twitter, anyone who wants to know what's happening with me will have to go on Facebook. I joined because I'm helping plan our high school reunion, and I find that I like updating my status to amuse myself. Which is why I blogged to begin with. And I can do the Facebook thing from my mobile.

So, no more blog. Again. Sorry, Frank. You're the only one reading anyhow.

I spit in the face of danger!

2008-05-20T16:40:00.001-07:00

Big tornado warnings here in Georgia this evening. I know I'm asking for a big karmic ass-kicking, but I never think that I'll be the one affected by the tornado, or hail, or frost, or whatever. So since Michael is out tonight for some big work dinner, me and the kids went out after dinner (and I confess, one vodka and soda) to play in the rain.

Personally, I think it sucked.

But OHMIGOSH did the kids LOVE playing in the rain. "Look, mommy, my booty is soaking wet." "Look, mommy, my shoes are wetter than the puddle!"

So, since we didn't die in a tornado, and the kids weren't watching tv, I count it a successful evening of child-rearing.

Stryper lyrics for Shari. Just trying to remind her that she's JEWISH.

2008-05-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

More Than A Man
Long ago, there was a man who came / Came and died for you / You, you say you don't want to know / But I've got to tell you the truth / (chorus) / God, I will follow you because you died for me / Gave to me your life to set me free / Anyone who asks shall receive / Jesus in your heart / It's time for you to start / Giving God all the glory / More than a man, God almighty / He created you / He's the One, the One who rules the land / He is the One I choose / (chorus) / (bridge) / All of the glory today / No matter what some people say / All of your faith / And your life will start to change / (chorus x2)

I'm rubber; you're glue.

2008-05-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today my sister called my blog stupid. So in retaliation, I offer the following little known facts about her.

She listened to Stryper in high school.
She can't pull off the rattail haircut, although god knows she tried for at least three years.
She's a virgin. Okay, probably not true. But she refuses to talk to me when I say words like vibrator, discharge, or vagina so if she IS having sex, I can't imagine anyone is enjoying it.

2008-05-07T13:41:00.001-07:00

My sister sent me and our parents an email today asking for our medical history. I figured my parents would give incomplete information, so I decided to help fill in some gaps.

Dad: suffers from severe mental illness. Symptoms: he thinks he's funny, must always tell the same story at least three times, and revises family history as he sees fit. He also has a severe hearing loss which prevents him from hearing you when you tell him to stop talking.

Mom: suffers from severe mental illness. Symptoms: she thinks she's always right, forgets everything ever told to her, and only thinks something has value if it costs under 10 dollars or over 1,000. She also has a severe hearing loss which prevents her from hearing anything she disagrees with and causes all mood stabilizers she takes to stop working.

If only Michael would ask for my help filling in the gaps for HIS family's medical history.

My daughter the rock star. Scary, right?

2008-05-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

(for those who don't know: she's on the left)

How all my conversations with Keith go.

2008-04-29T05:12:00.001-07:00

me: i need you
verdantmug: Please leave a message at the beep. BEEP.
me: yo i have to create a lag b'omer tshirt and i had wanted a funny little phrase
but you know, it's effing lag bomer
verdantmug: i love me some lag b'omer
verdantmug: what's the sentiment you wanna get across?
me: i was at the lag b'omer picnic with all the other cool people
verdantmug: what do people do on lag b'omer? besides count down to shavuout
How about: Lag Ba'Omer? More like Lag Ba'Awesome!
verdantmug: this is a tough one. it's a holiday about counting. How about: Count me in for Lag Ba'Omer Or you could steal a line from that movie American Dreamz: You've been Omer-ized!
me: that was seriously the worst movie ever
verdantmug: it had its moments
me: uuch
verdantmug: quaid was funny
me: the movie sucked. sucked. sucked.
verdantmug: okay okay okay
me: but guess what new show i love?
verdantmug: gossip girl?
me: old news
verdantmug: no idea
me: celebra-cadabra
verdantmug: what the hell is that?
me: celebrities trying to be magicians !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
verdantmug: no WAY
me: vh1, baby
verdantmug: awesomely stupid
me: c. thomas howell carnie wilson
verdantmug: I'm about to Gag Ba'Omer
me: better than rock of love 2
verdantmug: eesh american idol is the only reality tv i watch
me: i hate that show. even with bad tv we don't agree!
verdantmug: how about: I'm Lag Ba'Over it
me: yeh, great. how bout give me something i can use already?
me: just call me a nag b'omer
verdantmug: if it was online, it'd be blog ba'omer
me: and if it was homer simpson it would say lag D'ohmer
verdantmug: lag ba'homer
if it was kermit, it'd be frog ba'omer
you can come to a picnic and be a hog ba'omer
me: and if there were races it would be Jog b'omer*
verdantmug: in the park, you can walk your dog ba'omer
me: ok. no more. you win
verdantmug: if you were doing someone in england, it'd be called a snog ba'omer
verdantmug: come to the park and pack a bag ba'omer
me: constipated? drop a log b'omer

*I know, I know. This one is barely funny. Sorry. Keith is hard to keep up with...I try too hard to impress him with how funny I am..

The funniest thing I read on the internet today:

2008-04-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

Golems also need to rest on the Sabbath lest they go berserk.

This morning's email from Michael

2008-04-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

R,

Guess what?........

Matthew prepared and ate his own breakfast. I discovered this as I entered the kitchen -- refrigerator door open, splashes of milk across the floor with a Cookie Crisp cereal trail to the kids TV room, where Matthew was munching away at his breakfast.

XOXO

This so sums up life in the McCullough household:

We have no idea where the kids are in our own house.
If the kids wait for me or Michael to feed them, they'll go hungry.
We buy crap food.
There are entire rooms in our house devoted to television, and the kids have their own.

The six word meme

2008-04-11T05:13:00.000-07:00

(I lifted the explanation below from Bonnie, who tagged me to do this, so I feel justified in stealing from her.)

The Six-Words Meme was originally started by Smith Magazine. There is now a book. The history is thus:

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." Last year, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs. They sent in short life stories in droves, from the bittersweet ("Cursed with cancer, blessed with friends") and poignant ("I still make coffee for two") to the inspirational ("Business school? Bah! Pop music? Hurrah") and hilarious ("I like big butts, can't lie").

So, here's mine (with visual illustration):

Always trying to get a laugh.

The rules...
1) Write your own six-word memoir.
2) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you'd like.
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4) Tag six more blogs with links.
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
6) Have fun.

The person who tagged me is Bonnie. The person who tagged her is Beth.

I tag the following people:

Verdant Mug
The White Whale
Crazy Running Peter
LabMonkey

I don't have a sixth blogging friend. Unless you count my best friend Perez.

I have no idea if I'll actually go to their comments and tell them I tagged them. I'm not much of a commenter.

For Peter

2008-04-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

Was at a conference in Boston

2008-04-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

Notes from the trip:

People returning from Caribbean vacations should cut those stupid, plastic, I was in an all inclusive resort wristbands off their wrist the minute they arrive at the airport for their return flight. Everyone in the airport can tell you were on vacation because, A, you're unnaturally tan, and B, you're still drunk.

Michael only knows how to buy five items from the grocery store: milk, french bread, manchego cheese, steak and beer.

It's like he's using one of those toilets in Spain where you straddle a hole in the ground. Except we're not in Spain. And we own actual toilets.

2008-03-30T16:45:00.000-07:00

It is now three times in as many weeks that a foul, foul smell has led me upstairs to our computer room where I see Matthew standing up at the computer keyboard, completely engrossed in a game, with his legs spread wide apart so he won't step in his own shit laying in a clump on the floor.

The mom's name is Rebecca

2008-03-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a mom who wanted a kid.
She was very lonely and sad because she wanted a kid.
And then one day she had one named Isabella.
The End.

The cuteness that is me.

2008-03-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Today my shoes:

match my phone:

These pictures are not doing justice to the cuteness.

Why I can't invite people over to the house

2008-03-23T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is a chart hanging in our kitchen that Isabella developed to help potty train Matthew. It's a very complicated charting system with different colors and line thicknesses representing god knows what because Isabella ran to make a mark on the chart even when Matthew shit on the office floor.

Ingrown toenail

2008-03-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Ohmigod. I have the most painful ingrown toenail ever. If I could figure out how to get pictures off my supercute phone, then I could post a picture.

I just did a google image search for ingrown toenails to see if I could find a photo close to what my toe looks like. There is some NASTY shit on the internet. The other day some kids showed me a you tube video of the largest pimple ever being popped. Stuff came out of that pimple for a good 30 seconds. NASTY. And even though I almost threw up watching it, I kindof want to search for it online right now. I think it had to have been a cyst, not a pimple. I mean, the stuff that came out. SO MUCH OOZING.

Comments open. I think.

2008-03-21T03:17:00.000-07:00

Frank alerted me that my comments weren't open to him. Which was probably a good thing since he's a FOREIGNER, doesn't like my children or my dog, and did I mention he was a FOREIGNER? But to save myself from getting any more email from him and alerting Homeland Security that I correspond with a FOREIGNER, comments should now be open to everyone.

Just for Frank!

2008-03-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

I forgot one - Inappropriate things my gynecologist has said to me

2008-03-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

Are you ready for your intra-useless device?

Mind you, all of the inappropriate things were said during a SINGLE visit. A visit where I was getting my IUD inserted because my husband is a big chicken who hasn't gone to a regular doctor since he was EIGHT YEARS OLD, so going to the doctor who is going to touch his testicles is completely out of the question, and according to Fox News it might mean he's gay.

Also, I think my IUD may have migrated to my ovary or fallopian tube.

The story of Purim

2008-03-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am thisclose to getting Isabella to tell her teacher that hamantaschen are not representative of Haman's hat, but rather Esther's vagina.

But I think only the poppyseed, right?

Inappropriate things my gynecologist has said to me

2008-03-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have a troop of boy scouts working on their gynecology badge in the waiting room. Do you mind if they observe?

Wow. It's really tight in here.

Of course, this won't hurt me a bit...unless you kick me in the head while I'm down here.

*sigh*