It's like he's using one of those toilets in Spain where you straddle a hole in the ground. Except we're not in Spain. And we own actual toilets.

It is now three times in as many weeks that a foul, foul smell has led me upstairs to our computer room where I see Matthew standing up at the computer keyboard, completely engrossed in a game, with his legs spread wide apart so he won't step in his own shit laying in a clump on the floor.

The mom's name is Rebecca

Once upon a time there was a mom who wanted a kid.
She was very lonely and sad because she wanted a kid.
And then one day she had one named Isabella.
The End.

The cuteness that is me.

Today my shoes:



match my phone:



These pictures are not doing justice to the cuteness.

Why I can't invite people over to the house

This is a chart hanging in our kitchen that Isabella developed to help potty train Matthew. It's a very complicated charting system with different colors and line thicknesses representing god knows what because Isabella ran to make a mark on the chart even when Matthew shit on the office floor.

Ingrown toenail

Ohmigod. I have the most painful ingrown toenail ever. If I could figure out how to get pictures off my supercute phone, then I could post a picture.

I just did a google image search for ingrown toenails to see if I could find a photo close to what my toe looks like. There is some NASTY shit on the internet. The other day some kids showed me a you tube video of the largest pimple ever being popped. Stuff came out of that pimple for a good 30 seconds. NASTY. And even though I almost threw up watching it, I kindof want to search for it online right now. I think it had to have been a cyst, not a pimple. I mean, the stuff that came out. SO MUCH OOZING.

Comments open. I think.

Frank alerted me that my comments weren't open to him. Which was probably a good thing since he's a FOREIGNER, doesn't like my children or my dog, and did I mention he was a FOREIGNER? But to save myself from getting any more email from him and alerting Homeland Security that I correspond with a FOREIGNER, comments should now be open to everyone.

Just for Frank!

I forgot one - Inappropriate things my gynecologist has said to me

Are you ready for your intra-useless device?

Mind you, all of the inappropriate things were said during a SINGLE visit. A visit where I was getting my IUD inserted because my husband is a big chicken who hasn't gone to a regular doctor since he was EIGHT YEARS OLD, so going to the doctor who is going to touch his testicles is completely out of the question, and according to Fox News it might mean he's gay.

Also, I think my IUD may have migrated to my ovary or fallopian tube.

The story of Purim

I am thisclose to getting Isabella to tell her teacher that hamantaschen are not representative of Haman's hat, but rather Esther's vagina.

But I think only the poppyseed, right?

Inappropriate things my gynecologist has said to me

I have a troop of boy scouts working on their gynecology badge in the waiting room. Do you mind if they observe?

Wow. It's really tight in here.

Of course, this won't hurt me a bit...unless you kick me in the head while I'm down here.